Establish & Maintain
Good Communication With Your Teen / Child
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Get into the habit of talking with your
child every day. Your child is an individual with hopes, fears, likes,
dislikes, and special talents. The more you know about your child, the
easier it will be to guide her toward more positive activities and
friendships. As a result, your child will be less likely to experiment
with alcohol, tobacco, or illegal drugs. Establishing a close
relationship with your child now will make it easier for her to come to
you when she has a problem.
“I try to remind
myself what’s important here. Is it more important that he knocked over
the milk or that he told me and helped me clean it up?” –Dan, father of
7-year-old Matthew.
It’s important not to be critical.
Positive reinforcement and constructive support are more effective in
influencing children’s behavior than criticism.
Action Steps to Good Communication
1.
Take the Quick Quiz on the previous page. Ask your child what
the answers are and let him lead you into a longer conversation. You can
talk about one question a day or one a week. Think of other questions
you can ask one another. Consider making the questions and conversations
part of your daily routine.
2.
Set aside a few minutes a day. Talk about problems or challenges
that might have come up during the day and discuss how you handled them.
You can ask your child for his ideas on simple matters to help him build
problem-solving skills. These skills can help him resist peer pressure
to use alcohol and drugs to solve problems.
Decision making skills are
important
Children learn how to make
decisions. You can guide them with a key set of questions to ask when
faced with a choice:
Once the decision is made,
ask these questions:
After this, you can ask
your child to reconsider a decision and take responsibility for the
consequences.
3.
Validate your child’s feelings. Sometimes, children react to
situations in ways we think are inappropriate, silly, or overdramatic.
That’s because children don’t have the benefit of our adult experience.
What is minor to us may be very important to them. For example, if your
child says, “Mrs. Smith doesn’t like me. She gives me too much
homework,” don’t dismiss your child by saying, “That’s ridiculous.
Everyone gets the same amount of homework.” Instead, validate your
child’s feelings, investigate the situation, and guide her toward a
better understanding of the situation. “Oh, I wouldn’t like it if I felt
my teacher didn’t like me. But does everybody get the same homework
assignment?” If you’re not sure you have all the facts regarding a
situation, assure your child you will take action, such as talking to
Mrs. Smith. This lets your child know that you respect her feelings and
are willing to help her work through difficult situations.
4.
Practice active listening. When you show interest in what your
child has to say, he or she will open up. One technique to show you’re
listening and understanding is to paraphrase what your child tells you.
Try doing this the next time you have a conversation. For example, your
child says, “I like playing soccer, but practice is the same time as my
favorite show on TV.” You might say, “Wow, that’s a tough choice. On
one hand, you really like playing soccer; on the other hand, you don’t
want to miss your favorite show.”
5.
Ask questions. Children have a lot to share when they think their
opinions matter. Ask for your child’s input about family decisions.
These decisions may range from what to have for dinner to where to go
for a family outing. Showing your interest in her opinion will make your
child feel more comfortable about opening up to you.
If you are successful in establishing
open lines of communication with your child about day-to-day events, he
or she will be more likely to seek your input on more serious issues as
well. Many of the skills you use in daily conversations may prove useful
when discussing tougher issues. Here’s just one example:
Example
Your 11-year-old tells you a friend
offered him some marijuana (or other substance). You can begin your
conversation by asking for more information.
Q: “What do you know about marijuana (or
other substance)?”
A: [Chances are your child will have
some information on marijuana (or other substance), but not all of the
information may be accurate. If your child doesn’t know about the harms
of marijuana (or other substance), you can do the following things
together to find out more:]
Ask
more questions to continue the conversation.
Q: “Do you know what happens if you use
marijuana (or other substances)?”
A: [Listen to your child’s response.
Does he mention any of the consequences listed below? If not, you should
mention them. We have used marijuana as the example here.]
-
Smoking marijuana is illegal and
could result in getting suspended or kicked out of school, being sent to
jail or juvenile detention, and having a criminal record. All of these
things could affect the rest of his life.
-
Smoking marijuana sets a bad
example for younger siblings.
-
Smoking marijuana will hurt his
lungs and cause him to perform poorly in sports.
-
Smoking marijuana will hurt his
brain and could result in memory loss, bad grades, and a loss of
motivation.
-
Smoking marijuana would affect
his relationship with you and others he cares about.
-
·Smoking marijuana would affect
the whole family greatly. State what the resulting consequences would be
in your family.
Express thoughts and feelings
Being able to express thoughts and
feelings with someone we feel comfortable around—whether it is a spouse,
a coworker, or a friend—can make all the difference in how we feel about
ourselves and in how we interact with the world around us.
Similarly, young people need
opportunities to express their thoughts and new feelings. When we try to
limit the thoughts and feelings of our children, we take a great deal
away from them. When we deny that their feelings are real, we are
denying that children are individuals with their own perceptions. Young
people who are taught to express themselves have an easier time dealing
with peer pressure and resisting other temptations.
Other important messages you can share
with your child when talking about marijuana or other substances
include:
-
While some people smoke marijuana
and use drugs, most young people do not.
-
Drugs can get in the way of
achievement in areas that are really important, such as sports, singing,
dancing, music, auto repair, acting, or art. Youth is a time for
learning new things—finding friends and building support networks. A
young person who uses drugs often can get caught up in the drug culture
and miss out on the fun and rewarding opportunities available to her.
-
Academic performance can be
affected by drug use. Using drugs takes time away from studying and can
have a negative impact on the brain, inhibiting learning abilities. A
young person with hopes of going to college may find that drugs
interfere with attaining academic goals.
-
Children need to know that drug
use doesn’t just affect them. It also can have a negative effect on
their relationships with others. A friend may get angry if the child
starts to steal money or things to trade for her drugs. A brother or
sister might feel hurt because of changes in behavior that make the
child seem distant or moody.
-
Negative behaviors like these can
turn into a bad cycle. A young person may think that a teacher or friend
or grandparent doesn’t like her anymore because the child does not
realize her behavior (drug use) has changed the relationship. A child,
without being able to see this, just says, “Forget it. Nobody likes me
anyway.” This attitude can begin to spread to other relationships and
then serves as a primary defense for using illegal drugs—“Nobody cares
about me, so why shouldn’t I smoke marijuana?”
Susan and Samantha’s Story
Susan has made constant adjustments to
her work schedule to reflect her changing needs and those of her
family. Recently, she cut down the number of hours she works. Both
Susan and her husband thought it was important to slow down the hectic
pace they had been living since Samantha was born 8 years ago. Now
there’s more time to relax, play, and just talk to each other.
“Good communication is not just
listening when she talks, but asking her about what’s happening in her
life. And when she seems troubled, I ask her about it. Sometimes I do
have to coax a little, but I think she likes knowing that I care and she
can come to me when she has a problem. I also talk a lot about our
family’s values. Open communication shouldn’t be a special thing; it
should be a daily thing. “Sam is very inquisitive and curious. Right
now, she comes to me with a lot of her questions, but I know that, as
she gets older, she’ll be looking to her friends for information more
and more. I figure if I build this foundation of trust and communication
now, when it gets tough—the teenage years—she’ll still feel comfortable
coming to me with her questions. Having this type of relationship with
Sam makes me feel rejuvenated. It also gives me the chance to guide her
point of view so that she can make better choices now and when she’s
older.”
Communication Is Important Because… Some Kids Use Drugs To Satisfy
Curiosity
Children are very curious about alcohol, tobacco, and illegal drugs.
They are exposed to drug messages on TV, in the movies and videos, in
newspapers and magazines, at school, on the Internet, and in
conversations with friends and family. Even if we have done an
outstanding job of educating and nurturing the children in our care,
some children will remain curious about alcohol, tobacco, and illegal
drugs. Their sources of drug information may not always be accurate or
have their best interests at heart. But you do. That’s why it’s
important for you to know about the drugs your child may be exposed to
and for you to communicate the consequences associated with them.
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